NYC Day #1: How Not To Convince Someone To Give You Money

It's been an interesting first day here in New York City. I checked out the High Line, a public park that's been built along the city's old elevated rail lines. I went to a taping of The Daily Show, which was fun and proved that Jon Stewart is a machine (he did the entire show with no re-takes; it was pretty fantastic). And yes, I even got to take part in a meeting with the producer and former head writer of The Daily Show, Steve Bodow. It was an interesting Q&A, but it confirmed to me that I could never write for a show like that. It's simply too fast. Too intense. I think I'd be able to write for something like The Onion, which would involve longer pieces elaborating on a single comedic premise. But joke after joke after joke, day after day? I don't know if I'm that funny.

The High Line

However, by far the most memorable experience of the day came when walking from the High Line to the Daily Show studio. I was with my Film Geek Radio co-host, Frank Ready, and we were chatting about nothing in particular, when I suddenly heard a voice call out, "Hey you!"

Instinctively, I turned. There, walking towards me through a crowd of pedestrians, was a short black man. I only mention his race because it would later become a topic of discussion. There seemed to be nothing unusual about him other than the fact that his clothes were a little dirty.

Now, I don't know about you, but I like to believe in human decency. I like to believe that, on the whole, everybody just wants to get through life without getting hurt and having to hurt anybody else. And as a result, I tend to give strangers the benefit of the doubt. Most of the time I'm approached by someone unfamiliar, I wait to see what they want rather than automatically dismissing them. You never know, it could be someone who just needs a little help, or knows you from somewhere, or would like to hand you a check for a million dollars as part of a new reality show. Plus, it was the middle of the afternoon in the middle of a crowded avenue. So, if you're reading this and thinking I should have just ignored him, screw you. I hope next time you have to ask someone for directions they ignore you entirely.

Anyways... once he came up to us, it became clear to me that this was probably just some homeless guy looking for a handout. His clothes were filthy, it looked like he hadn't showered in a while, and his eyes were bloodshot. He was probably an addict.

"I need some directions," he said.

"Sure," I said. "Where are you going?" I figured that even though I wasn't from around here I could pull out my iPhone and tell him how to get there.

His eyes lit up. "Thank you! Now I know you're not prejudiced against black people! I'm not a gangster or anything like that."

He then gave us both a hug. Yes. A hug. I've heard the "you're not racist" line from homeless people before, so now I was pretty positive this guy just wanted some cash,  but boy, was he laying it on pretty thick. 

Then, things started to get weird. He pulled out an identification card. I only got a quick glance, but I know that's what it was because the words "Identification Card" were actually written on it near the top.

"As you can see here, I was in prison for ten years and I just got out," he said.

A little warning light turned on in the back of my mind, and I just nodded. Great! An ex-con! I hadn't heard this pitch before.He didn't look like this.

"My son lives a ways up north and I need to go see him and I need some money. I know you're nice people and not prejudiced. Can you give me forty dollars?"

And there it was. The request for money, coming from someone who was obviously trying to guilt us into helping him. An ex-convict trying to get to his child? Let me get the tissues. I should be feeling super inspired now, right?

I told him I didn't have any cash on me (which was true). And that's when he changed tactics. Instead of piling on the emotional stories and the guilt, he just decided to slip in a few details that would imply this was one ex-con who wasn't necessarily interested in going straight.

Now, it's important to remember that this was in the middle of the afternoon on a crowded street. Also, at this point I had begun to start to walking around him, putting him between Frank and myself. Frank (who is quite tall and imposing) was behind him, and this guy wasn't even looking at him. His focus was entirely on me.

I can't remember everything he said next since he wasn't very articulate, and Frank couldn't hear anything at all, but I distinctly remember him saying something to the effect of, "I have a .38 in my pocket. And I need forty dollars."

Now, if this had been at night, and I'd been in a dark alley, and I'd been by myself, this might have been enough to have me either immediately run away or just hand over my wallet. But given the situation, I didn't hesitate to call his bluff.

"Nope, sorry, I've got no cash."

"You have an ATM card."

"Sorry. Can't help you!"

And with that, Frank and I just resumed walking and left the guy behind. We didn't run, or look around for assistance or anything like that. We just picked up right where we left off, strolling at a leisurely place down the block.

It was only a few moments later that I realized, "You know, if that guy really did have a gun in his pocket, he could have shot me as I walked away." I think in the back of my head I realized that. I just didn't care. The odds of that situation turning violent seemed nearly impossible. I mean, hadn't this guy seen any movies? Assuming this guy actually had meant to rob me (and I'm not sure he did; he may have just been high and thinking that revealing he had a gun would re-inforce his "ex-convict" sob story), he broke nearly every rule in Mugging For Dummies. I mean, let's review:

1) We were in a public place.

This one's just obvious. If you're surrounded by people, it's probably not a good idea to try and rob someone. There are too many witnesses, and it would be easy for a bystander interfere.

2) It was broad daylight.

Again, duh. This is a no-brainer.

3) He never pulled out a weapon.

Or even stuck his hands in his pockets like he might have one concealed. Just saying you have a gun on you doesn't make it so, especially if it's coming from someone who clearly isn't in their right state of mind.

4) Frank was behind him.

I mean, come on! First of all, if you're a short guy working alone, you shouldn't take on two people, especially if there's no proof you have a weapon. Secondly, you shouldn't talk to the short guy and let the big tall guy stand behind you. What are you going to do, try to pull out your gun and shoot both people before the guy behind you has time to run or kick you in the balls? I don't think so...

Frank and I spent the next twenty minutes discussing what had just happened and trying to decide if we had made some poor decisions. You know what? I don't regret stopping to see what the guy wanted. Not everybody you run into on the street is going to be a cracked out ex-convict who might have a gun in their pocket. As a wise man once said, love your neighbor as yourself, and turn the other cheek. Everybody deserves a chance, even that weird creepy guy trying to ask for directions.

At the end of the day, I still don't really know what the guy's plan was, and I'm not even sure he had one. All I know is that, looking back, it was a pretty hilarious encounter. I mean, if you're going to tell people you have a gun, at least have a little bit of sense about it.

I hope the rest of my trip will be this interesting...